I've been a bad girl.

I've been so bad at posting. It was bound to happen. I eventually lose interest in everything that I once enjoyed. Usually I lose interest before I even start it... sometimes it's shortly after. If I had a buck for every hobby I wanted to give a try I'd be a fuckin millionaire.

The past few days have been rough. My anxiety is getting the best of me and I can't escape that something is wrong with me, health wise. It's so nagging.

Pregnancy fucked me up like percocet

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I haven't posted because I am sick.. AGAIN. This has got to be the 10th time I've been sick since having Tori. 3rd time in the last 6 weeks or so. And that doesn't even count the 2 bouts of conjunctivitis that I got within 3 weeks of each other.

This wouldn't bother me so much if I were actually used to this. But before pregnancy I got sick maybe twice a year.. maybe. And usually one was barely even a head cold.

On another note:

I'm watching NYC prep and I am .. I don't even know. This show is ridiculous. These rich ass little kids need a kick in the ....ass.

No title

Not sure exactly what I am going to write but I felt like I should. So what am I doing today?

Nothing much. Later on I am dropping off Tori at Anthony's moms for the night. Anthony will be there but not until much later... and I am really not looking forward to it. Tonight I'm heading to Shayla's for a few drinks and waking up disgustingly early considering I will be Tori-less to drive Mike to Logan Airport at 4am.

I never look forward to drinking anymore.. either that or I do and then when it happens and I just don't get into it. Funny how times change. Maybe I'm just not looking forward to driving at 330 in the morning. Must hit up Dunkin Donuts tonight and leave a coffee in the fridge.......

So Michael Jackson passed away 2 days ago, June 25, 2009. I have never been one to mourn celebrities however this does leave me feeling a bit sad. I think his death makes the world a little empty. He has impacted people with his music for the last 40-or-so years. Rest in peace, King of Pop.

So fresh and so clean, clean

I woke up this morning with the urge to clean... which hasn't happened in a couple months. Before that, I would start and sometimes spend the day cleaning. Sometimes the urge would last 1 hour, sometimes 8 hours. It could range from just tidying up to dusting/washing/cleaning every corner and crevice of my room... the livingroom.. the kitchen.. the bathroom. I loved it... I love to clean. Then Zoloft came into my life and the love of cleaning went out. And even though I don't take Zoloft anymore, it isn't back. Go figure, the one part of my OCD?GAD? (I don't know which it's associated with) that leaves is the only one I don't want to. Without that motivational urge I am as useless as a bag of shit and the mere thought of cleaning would ruin my day. Don't get me wrong.. the past couple months I haven't been swimming in a mess of toys, clothes and wrappers but I picked up with a frown on.

So I got to cleaning for about 2 1/2 hours. Tori was a sport and helped me and played the whole time. She had a bottle too and swung in her swing. Oh and she danced to the music I had on.

Then Shayla (my best friend, who has a daughter 3 weeks older than Tori. You may hear me refer to her as "Mummy" in the future. Not to be confused with my mother, who I call mom) called me and asked if I wanted to come over. By that time I was getting tired, and Tori was sick of her toys. So off we went. Around 4ish I started to get really nauseous and had Anthony take her for a little while. I left Shayla's and came home and almost immediatly felt better... back to cleaning... for another 4 hours.

Now I am exhausted and anticipating sleep.

Ahh.. Insomnia.

Well, maybe not insomnia by most standards, but mine yes. Since Tori likes to wake up at 6am, not being able to fall asleep at 1 when it used to be 1030 really sucks

Therapy went ok. All we really did was read out of the Anxiety & Phobia workbook *snore* Oh.. Tori was a wiggle worm. She would not sit on my lap and play with toys despite how many times I bribed her with Mum-Mums. I put her on the floor along with toys and my therapist kind of in the nicest way possible told me I can't bring Tori to appointments. Mind you, I've been seeing her for 3 months or so and have brought Tori about 5 times. I'm not sure how this is going to work out. When I was looking for therapists, I was going to go to an OCD treatment study, but had to decline because I could not bring the baby. This particular therapist knew from the getgo that I was a SAHM, and while I could usually find someone to watch her, there would be times I couldn't. Which is true. So what do I do? Stop going to therapy?

Leaving to go to therapy was ....hectic. I got Tori in her carseat (which she fights to the death) and decided against bringing my camera. So I put it in my "hiding spot" and walked out the door. Got Tori's carseat buckled in and .......felt the urge to re-check my spot to make sure the camera was actually there (the camera I put in 5 minutes beforehand, yup). SO .. not wanting the hellish experience of getting Tori back into the carseat, I took the whole thing with me (infant carseat + 19 pound baby = HEAVY) Normally I would just call my mom and ask if she could keep an eye on the car while I ran inside but she wasn't home. I live in a nice, suburban neighborhood where I probably don't belong but I have new next door neighbors and I always imagine the worst.

Heavy ass carseat in hand, I go into my room and check the spot. Cameras there. Good. Get out to the car.. OK I forgot to make sure my money was still there. Back in the house, carseat/baby in hand. It's there too. Get to the car, strap the carseat in. FUCK. I didn't count it to make sure it was all there. Arm literally feeling like it's going to break off I try and reason with myself. "Justine, the only person that has been home is mom and gram." But WHAT IF!? What if what? I don't exactly know. All I know is that IF I don't check I will torture myself for the next hour into a possible anxiety attack. Usually I take my money with me, but I try not too all the time because if I have it, I will count it every 15 minutes, making sure none walked out of my wallet.

Back into the house the baby and I go, carseat and all. It's all there. Lug out the baby out and strap her in for what was the last time. And all that "reassurance" didn't mean shit because I still called my mom a couple hours later to have her check to make sure the full amount and camera were still there.

Reassurance? Who am I kidding. There is no such thing in my little world.

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho it's off to therapy I go.

Today it's raining and shitty out. All the more reason to be lazy. In an hour I have therapy, which I haven't been looking forward to since last night. Anthony's working, moms out doing errands and Shayla has a doctor appointment which means.. yah, loud, squirming Tori at therapy... all the more reason for me not to want to go. I've brought her 5 times or so and the first couple times it was easy, because she'd be content with sitting in my lap and playing with a toy, but now that she is a pro crawler and pro cruiser and walking (gasp) she just wants to go go go. Just like her daddy, can't be contained. Plus she finds shreiking a lot of fun.

Sometimes I don't even know if I believe in therapy. Well, I do.. I know that it helps people everywhere.. but I just feel like everything they come up with and say is so... textbook? Very predictable.

Anyways.. I should get the bean ready. I've been ready for 2 hours.. did I mention I have zero patience? Waiting kills me. Expect a lot of blogs in the future. I like writing this shit out.

Sheets.. the bane of my existence

Yesterday Anthony, Tori and myself went out to A.J. Wright. I have been shopping around for some cheap sheets for the last month, since my mothers friend passed down to me her queen sized bed. Since then I've been using my full size flat sheet. Every night I fall asleep to the eye watering stench of vanilla perfume and rose candles that is embedded in this... bed. Even after many rounds of odor neutralizer.

So I'm shopping around for the cheapest sheets I can find.. if I can't find anything I'll just go to Target and invest in the 20$ jersey sheets that I had on my old full size. SCORE- 10 dollars, for a sheet set and 2 pillowcases....

I hate spending money on myself for things that I don't actually ...need. It always puts me in a frenzy of money lists. What do I NEED to spend money on? Ok, subtract that from that. Shit.

But... I got home and, as you probably expected because my cheap ass only spent 10 bucks on sheets.. I was unimpressed. Let me just say that I cannot stand sheets. Even the mere thought of them creeping their way up the side of my bed leaves me feeling like a broad PMSing ...only worse. I kept saying to Anthony "FUCK. I know this sheet is going to suck. FUCK." When I got Tori to bed, I tried my hardest not to move. Low and behold the next day, half my mattress on the side was showing...

What a way to start off the day.