Ahh.. Insomnia.

Well, maybe not insomnia by most standards, but mine yes. Since Tori likes to wake up at 6am, not being able to fall asleep at 1 when it used to be 1030 really sucks

Therapy went ok. All we really did was read out of the Anxiety & Phobia workbook *snore* Oh.. Tori was a wiggle worm. She would not sit on my lap and play with toys despite how many times I bribed her with Mum-Mums. I put her on the floor along with toys and my therapist kind of in the nicest way possible told me I can't bring Tori to appointments. Mind you, I've been seeing her for 3 months or so and have brought Tori about 5 times. I'm not sure how this is going to work out. When I was looking for therapists, I was going to go to an OCD treatment study, but had to decline because I could not bring the baby. This particular therapist knew from the getgo that I was a SAHM, and while I could usually find someone to watch her, there would be times I couldn't. Which is true. So what do I do? Stop going to therapy?

Leaving to go to therapy was ....hectic. I got Tori in her carseat (which she fights to the death) and decided against bringing my camera. So I put it in my "hiding spot" and walked out the door. Got Tori's carseat buckled in and .......felt the urge to re-check my spot to make sure the camera was actually there (the camera I put in 5 minutes beforehand, yup). SO .. not wanting the hellish experience of getting Tori back into the carseat, I took the whole thing with me (infant carseat + 19 pound baby = HEAVY) Normally I would just call my mom and ask if she could keep an eye on the car while I ran inside but she wasn't home. I live in a nice, suburban neighborhood where I probably don't belong but I have new next door neighbors and I always imagine the worst.

Heavy ass carseat in hand, I go into my room and check the spot. Cameras there. Good. Get out to the car.. OK I forgot to make sure my money was still there. Back in the house, carseat/baby in hand. It's there too. Get to the car, strap the carseat in. FUCK. I didn't count it to make sure it was all there. Arm literally feeling like it's going to break off I try and reason with myself. "Justine, the only person that has been home is mom and gram." But WHAT IF!? What if what? I don't exactly know. All I know is that IF I don't check I will torture myself for the next hour into a possible anxiety attack. Usually I take my money with me, but I try not too all the time because if I have it, I will count it every 15 minutes, making sure none walked out of my wallet.

Back into the house the baby and I go, carseat and all. It's all there. Lug out the baby out and strap her in for what was the last time. And all that "reassurance" didn't mean shit because I still called my mom a couple hours later to have her check to make sure the full amount and camera were still there.

Reassurance? Who am I kidding. There is no such thing in my little world.